Like the majority of the world I’ve been working towards my “new year resolutions”. For me I’ve been cleaning out my closet. It is time to downsize and declutter my world, not just my house, but everything, including deciding what really is important in my life, and what I don’t need anymore.  I know that I’ve taken another break from blogging, similar to before, but this past weekend J approached me and asked me about blogging, because he wanted to start doing it, and I realized that blogging was that “missing piece” that I’ve been longing for. I missed it! I kept up with my fellow bloggers but whenever I went to sit down and write my own entry I was never satisfied and the entries piled up in my drafts folder just like the clothes on my bedroom floor. Similar to the sweater I just discovered hiding in my closet, I’ve found an old unfinished entry from October of 2011 that I would like to share with you titled Expectations and Disappointment…

EXPECTATIONS AND DISAPPOINTMENT…

Lately I’ve been feeling really down on myself about a lot of things. The other night I watched Bridesmaids with J and there is a part about a pity party. Last night I reached a breaking point and when I got home I just cried and cried. J tried to console me, but I continued to just cry. At one point he pointed out that I was like the character in the movie.

I think sometimes we all have “pity parties” at some point in our life. Everything just seems to be falling apart and we can’t see past it to move forward, so we just curl up into the fetal position feeling sorry for ourselves. J made a good point when we talked last night. He said I could sit there feeling sorry for myself or I could do something about it. It was kind of ironic because only days before the roles had been reversed and I was the “strong” and “positive one” trying to pull him out of a “funk”. Now I was the “weak one” just laying there on the bed crying, despite all the good things going on in my life. And honestly he is right. I have a habit of setting my expectations for myself way too high. In my therapy sessions my therapist has made a similar point. I tend to set myself up for failure. I don’t see the positive good things I have accomplished. I always think I’m not good enough. I always think I should have done more. In reality I try to do too much and become upset when I don’t accomplish those things I wanted to do.

Take this past weekend for an example. It was J’s birthday and I was trying to make it perfect. “Perfect” in my own eyes. I had already had to deal with the fact that his original present, a Salvador Dali print, which I had bid on at an auction on my cruise, was no longer going to happen, because the art house that it was coming from went out of business. I was pissed off to say the least, but there was nothing I could do. I had 2 weeks to get presents for J since this was going to be his only BIG present. I went into full on panic mode at first. J does not like big gifts or “big to do’s” so I had wanted to try to make his birthday low key. I managed to find “perfect ” gifts for him, but of course I was still upset, because things I wanted to get him, were just out my budget right now.

For dinner I planned a “perfect” dinner. I felt bad enough that he had opted to work on his birthday so he could have the day off after my friend’s wedding in Boston to be together, so it was the least I could do. My anxiety kicked in and I started questioning it, “what if he does not like it?” What if it comes out wrong?” I wanted to recreate a meal J had when we ate a fancy chop house for friend’s birthday because he had LOVED this meal. Well needless to say I did find all the ingredients, but no exact recipe for Peach BBQ Brisket, so I had to go  for it. The meal came out ok, but I had put too much chipotle in the sauce, and it was SPICEY. I had wanted to make roasted potato’s when I got home to go with it, but instead came home to a disaster. My dog had found the chocolate melts I had accidently left out, and had gotten sick all over our comforter. My head was throbbing from my sinus pain and I was now faced with a meal that was too spicy to enjoy. I tried my best, making a sweet sauce to go with it, and grabbing frozen veggies/potatoes as a side dish. My “perfect meal” was now just a mediocre meal.  J really appreciated it  when he got home from work and even though it was spicy he ate it all. I on the other hand was disappointed with myself.

Ironically I never finished the post because I was dissatisfied with it and thought it should not make my “publishing cut”. BUT looking back on it, I was onto something bigger than just J’s birthday weekend. Expectations and disappointment have been a huge part of my life. They say people set themselves up for failure. Well I think it is also true that we can set ourselves up for disappointment when we expect too much out of ourselves or others. I remember the direction I was going with this post before it got pushed aside and forgotten. Sadly my feelings have not changed much since this post. I have made a better effort to set the bar as a more feasible level so I don’t set myself up for “failure” or “disappointment” but I still find myself trying to set “unrealistic expectations”.

I realize that most things are out of my hands and I need to focus on what I do have control of. There will be events in ones life that do not go according to plan, such as J’s birthday weekend, but in reality, if we focus on the negative, we won’t see the positive that comes out of it.

I have not reached a point of full content, but slowly I’m getting there with the occasional pity party being hosted by yours truly. Take yesterday for example where I sat crying hysterically on the phone with the insurance companies, which in the end was a loss for me. It took a phone call to J and my mom, to see the reality of the situation, and realize that it was out of my hands.

So as part of my decluttering phase, I’m realizing that it is time to let go of the things I cannot control, and focus on what is most important. Just like my closet, which was full of clothes I didn’t wear, but was holding onto for those, “oh but what if I need it” or “just incase I gain weight back” moments, I need to purge those feelings from my life. In reality I’ve got a GOOD LIFE. Looking back at where I was just a year ago, recently broken up from CFG, but feeling a sense of pride, for purging the “badness” from my life, without regret. I need to get back to that.

A lot of people commit to losing 20 lbs by working out more and eating healthier, getting their houses organized by going out and buying countless organizational tools/materials, or committing to eating at home more because they are spending too much $$ and gaining weight and the list goes on… and on…For me, it is not about those things, well not exactly, but about focusing on the things I can CHANGE…