I do  have to admit that I enjoyed the luxurious life of being on a cruise ship for 7 days and the beautiful waters of Bermuda, but was happy to return home to my “normal” life. Being on the cruise I realized that I did not like to be “alone”.

It was exactly 2 years today that I first faced this fear. The day I decided to separate from my now ex husband. I remember it like it was yesterday. Tears would flow down my face as I drove down 295 knowing I was coming home to an empty house. I was going to have to learn to be on my own for the first time, and IT SCARED ME.

However Fast forward to a year later and somehow I did survive. It was September of 2010, and I  did enjoy being on my own, doing things that I had never done before, and survived being on my own. I had a boyfriend, CFG, but many nights he was at home, doing his own thing. I was insanely busy with working, and had little time to reflect on the fact that I was still coming home to an empty house, but at the same time it felt good. I was learning to be an independent woman and quite enjoying it. When CFG would spend more than one night I would sometimes miss my “alone” time.

So why, almost a year later, August of 2011, did I feel so alone again on the cruise ship, especially since I knew J was back at home waiting for my return and I had my parents and family with me on the ship, not to mention the other 2,500 passengers. I thought a lot about it, and I think it was knowing that I did have these things, especially J at home, that I missed it.  I had learned to be on my own, but when I had the opportunity to be with others, I WANTED that. Sure I could go to the gym by myself or walk down to the pool and enjoy it, but the thought of being “left alone” is what kept sinking in. When my parents left me to “fend for myself” and did their own thing and my cousin chose to hang out with her mom, I felt like I was back in September of 2009, fearing the idea of coming home to make dinner for just myself and spending the night on the couch infront of the tv.

The ironic thing is I am an only child and for years I had to play by myself. Even though I had quite the creative imagination, I remember that I always wanted a sister or brother to play with. Lucky for me, I had a wonderful best friend, who was practically my sister, and my parents even brought her on vacations with us. However there were many times I was ALONE, wishing and longing to have someone to play with.  When I was in college I lived on my own, in a single, but I still had my best friend down the hall, who would come meet me for dinner, or hang out. Though there were many times I went to the student union to get food by myself, but I didn’t feel ALONE.

There were points on the cruise where I did enjoy being on my own, but I have to admit I preferred to have my “companion” whether it was my Dad, Mom, cousin, aunt, or ALL of them. I met new people, but honestly I was longing to be home with my familiar surroundings, and most importantly  my companion.  I wanted someone to share these special times with him BUT  he was thousands and thousands of miles away.

So here I sit, thinking about how it was exactly 2 years ago, that I made the decision to continue my life WITHOUT my companion, my husband, even thought the thought of being “ALONE” left me in a state of absolute panic and fear. I decided that I was letting this fear of being ALONE, cloud my reality. I COULD survive and WOULD survive, and in all reality my companion had walked out that door a long time ago. I was already on my own, but I just had to realize it. I had to learn to embrace my independence and I DID.

In all honestly it really comes to the fact that NOW I CAN do things by myself, which may have been a struggle before, but I ENJOY when I can do it with others the most. In my relationship with J we do spend a lot of time together but we also have our “alone time” in which we do our things. He is a much more “ME TIME” kind of guy, while I still am embracing it.

So as J and I approach a HUGE turning point in our relationship, our decision to merge much of our “me time” into “us time” and live together,  I realize that once dreaded “alone time” is going to be KEY in having a healthy relationship. It is going to be a balance between having our time together but also giving each other space for “ME TIME”.  I no longer fear “alone time”.  It may have taken a divorce to help me see that  I know I CAN be on my own and SURVIVE, but it was well worth the journey.