So I have been debating on what topic I wanted to post as my first post since my little blogging hiatus, and the topic of letting go seems to a be a current theme in my life. I was talking to J again last night, our usual late night phone conversations, leaving us both exhausted in the morning, but totally worth it, when the topic of letting go again came into my mind. I would say one of my biggest issues I deal with is fully letting go. I know I’ve posted on this same concept many times, including my post, Are They Just Flip Flops where I talked about the idea of holding into things because of the memories they had. I think I’ve always done this. Not just with relationships, but I’ve held onto things that maybe are no longer important, and it’s time to fully let go.

Friendships: I often refer to people who I don’t even talk to anymore, as my friends. Recently I had an old friend come up for a visit with her brand new baby. I was all excited to see her, but soon after she arrived I realized what we once had as teenagers was gone. We had been reunited last year when I went to her place while staying with another friend in Florida. I think that I was disillusioned by what we once had, and did not see that we really were not friends anymore. At first it seemed great, but within a few days of her being here, I was more upset than happy. I was having a rough patch with J and instead of being supportive, I think she was annoyed with me, because it put a damper on our girls night out. When I thought about how it had been before I realized that we were really just aquaintences, and that friendship was NO more. I have not spoken to her since she left, and I think reality struck me. Our friendship is no longer there, but that’s ok. I don’t have to hold onto what once was.

Borderline horder/packrat: One of my biggest downfalls I have is that I not only try to emotionally hold onto things, but also physically. I have been taking a new approach on things and realized I’ve been holding onto all of this STUFF, that I just don’t need. Not to jump the gun, but J and I have been talking about living together in the future, and when I looked around my house, I realized, “I’ve got way toooo much stuff.” I don’t want him moving into this. He is very organized and keeps things simple. I on the other hand hold onto way too much. I have never said this before on my blog, but I have ADHD, and so organization is not my strong suit. I live in organized chaos as I like to put it. However I recently made the decision to make a change. I went back on my meds in order to prepare for my MTEL (my massachusetts teacher exam). This will be another post because my life has been consumed by this ONE test. I will explain later. BUT slowly but surely my mind is becoming clearer and I can look around my house and say it’s time to let go and move on.

I was raised in a house where we tend to keep a lot and never throw things away. I was trying on clothes with my mom for our upcoming trip to Bermuda, and I noticed my dad’s pile of clothes. In it, was an old bathing suit, which my dad has had for years. The elastic band is all worn out and they’re very much out of style. I laughed and said to my mom, “why does dad hold onto these old things.” He has to let go. My mom laughed because we both know my dad keeps his old ratty t-shirts that don’t fit, or tries to wear that sweater from 1980 out to dinner. Then I thought about my own self. I too have held onto a whole bin of clothes that were from my skinnier days. I was holding onto them in hopes to fit into them. I still don’t fit into all of those clothes, but when I put them on, I thought, “What the hell am I doing?” These clothes are way too young looking. I decided it is time to purge much of my stuff. I have been going through my cyclone of a bedroom. Istopped sleeping in there when John left and moved into the guestroom, and have used it as a dumping ground for my clothes. I don’t like to admit it, but it’s BAD. So recently I’ve been going through my STUFF and saying, “who cares if it fits, it is old, and it is time to go.” It is liberating to be able to do that.

Sentimental: I am a sentimental fool…I save everything from cards from 2 Christmases ago to little stubs from a movie ticket. The ironic thing is with J I have not been saving everything. I think this comes from the fact that I had so much to put away or throw away from my past with John. I even still have my “wedding bucket” which contains everything, though I did throw out a lot of things. I could not throw away my wedding album or some of the pictures from our honeymoon. I don’t know what is holding me back from doing it, but instead I decided I would just shut them away in bucket. I think for me, as I’ve said before, it is the memories that belong to those “objects” or “stuff” that I feel I would be erasing. I think it is funny and maybe a little ironic that J, who is very organized, neat, and does not like too much stuff, has a safe in which he puts all his sentimental things. He showed it to me and he has held onto everything, including the movie ticket stub or the paper bracelet we wore at the karaoke bar. He also held onto a lot from his childhood and past that means a lot to him.

I think for me, even though I see an absolute long future with J, I am scared to do it again. I am scared that there could come a time when I have to get rid of those memories.  I regret it already! In fact I want to find the things I do have, and do what he did, put them in a safe. I don’t need a J box, as I did have to with John or the past boyfriends, but instead just one box, maybe my safe, to hold onto the most important things that I do have. Practically speaking, the safe is the safest place to keep them. It is times like these that I fear “holding on” to things for fear that I will have to “let go”.

Mom and I were going through clothes she had to get ready for our trip, and she found the dress she wore for my wedding, and asked me if it would be ok if she brought it. She has lost a bunch of weight and I know how much she loved that dress, and before I would have said, NO, because it reminded me of that day. However this time I said, YES, because I can look past that now. A small piece of me thought about my wedding day and her wearing it, when I saw her try it on, but the other part recognized the giant smile and excitement in her, because the dress fit and it fit perfectly. I knew how great of a feeling that was, because just the other day I had tried on one of my skinnier day dresses and it fit me.

So while she was trying on her dress, I put on mine. Yes, I put on my wedding dress. Not because I wanted to wear it again, but because I wanted to know, would it fit? I know I’ve lost some weight since then, but was not sure, if it was really that much. Well ladies, the dress practically fell off. If I did not have the “girls” to hold it up, it would have slid right off. It felt amazing. Plus when I had it on, I did not think about my wedding day, I just thought about how pretty it was, but also was not my style anymore. I was able to fully let go. I am going to be donating my dress to Donate My Dress or Brides Against Breast Cancer. I want my dress to go to a good cause instead of just bringing it to a thrift shop. My next step is to find out where I can donate all my wedding gift stuff, the wedding frames, etc. I cannot see just putting them in a trash. I used to think that it was ALL cursed and nobody should ever get them, but I now see, nothing is cursed, my marriage was not cursed, instead it fell apart for its own reasons, because of John and I, along with some external factors that put a strain on our relationship, but also because it was meant to be this way.

It is time for all of that “stuff” to go because this is my NEW BEGINNING and it can’t be new with that “stuff” still hanging around.