It was hard today to check off one, not two, as I sat there filling out the RSVP card. What should be a very happy time in my life, my best guy friend getting married, is replaced with sadness and emptiness.  It was a little over two and half years ago that he was here, with his now fiancé, celebrating my marriage.  Now, it is his turn.  I am happy for him and his fiancé, who I both love dearly, but sadly I am a bit jealous too.  I am jealous because they have what I once had.  I feel emptiness because it reminds me of the fact that I am alone. So as I sat there today thinking about what choice I want, London broil or Chicken Cordon Bleu, I felt empty and lonely. It should be that I am checking off “Mr.and Mrs.” will have the London broil, but instead “Ms.” will have the London broil for one.

This summer will be filled with weddings and a constant reminder that I will be checking off one, not two. I know some day I will be checking off two again, and I try to think positively about that day, but it’s hard when reality sets in. In my conservation with my ex I told him I was heading out to PA for the wedding, but will be flying instead of driving.  He agreed and said a road trip alone is no fun.  Reality set in as he said those painful words.  “Alone”.  Alone is exactly how I feel.

I longed for years to be able to check off two instead of one. I remember the first time I checked off two.  We were recently engaged and were excited to share our news, but we did not want to take away from our friends’ special day.  Despite our best efforts, the word spread fast and everyone was just as elated as us.  We did not attend any more weddings until last year when I was happy to respond Mr. and Mrs. F. will be in attendance.  Things were difficult then, but seeing the happy couple reinforced our love for one another.  I remember taking a walk that night and looking up at the stars reminiscing about our “special day” and how happy we were.

I never thought in my wildest dreams a year later I would be checking off the London broil for one.  Life was difficult for us at times, and school consumed it, but we were building for our future together. We both wanted to better ourselves. We were so consumed by our busy lives, his school and gigs, and my school that we did not notice the distance growing between us until it was too late. I will leave the details for another post. Despite our troubles we always reminded each other that things would be so much better when we’re done.  Now that I’m getting ready to graduate with my Masters degree and become a teacher, instead of excitement, I feel a big void. I feel empty, not sharing this special moment in my life with him. Instead of planning our celebration cruise we’re planning our court date.

It is joyous occasions, whether they be weddings or graduation, that I realize my life is not the same.  I am not checking off two anymore, just one. I’m not finishing school to begin our new life together, but instead my own.  I have to be happy for myself now.  I can’t rely on him to be happy for me or to push me to succeed.  It scares me to be ALONE.  For 4 years my life was all about us, two people.  Now it’s all about one, ME.  I am moving forward, finishing school, getting my masters degree, celebrating my friend’s wedding and my own graduation. While he is still in my life, it is not the same.  He will not be there to celebrate our life, but instead I will be celebrating my own.  I have to accept being one, and know that life is constantly changing, and I must keep moving forward. Albert Einstein once said “Life is like riding a bicycle, to stay balanced you have to keep moving.” I am moving forward in life as one for now and I am just going to keep riding my bike and try not to fall off.