So it’s been a few weeks since J moved in and we officially started living together. Living together has been quite the adjustment for us both. It has been quite eventful with some highs and lows and lots and lots of tissues.

Our first few days together were a real eye opener to a lot things. One thing was how we could handle seeing each other sick. Poor J was feeling under the weather our first night and by morning I was right there with him. Our first official day together in OUR house was spent mostly on the couch with a movie marathon and lots of soup and popsicles. With both of us sick, we were in a very vulnerable state. Unfortunately we both were left in this state for a week or more. Both trying to work and feeling crappy left us in pretty foul moods, and beneath the piles of tissues some “true colors” surfaced.

I’ve learned that living together is a BIG adjustment, especially when two very different personalities try to merge their very different lifestyles. As mentioned before J is a “neat freak” while I am quite the opposite, but struggling to become more organized and less messy. It was only a few days into living together when this issue really came to a head, and words were said. We had a lot of “heart to hearts” and the truth, while it hurt, came out, about how we really felt about each other’s habits. I was quickly bothered by the fact that J did not think about me before acting all the time, while he was bothered by the fact that I was telling him what to do. To keep things private I’m not going to go into the details of our “talks” where we talked things out, but a lot was said, and feelings were hurt. However we both realized that even with the hurt, it was good to be honest with one another.

One of my pet peeves with J is that he sometimes says one thing and does the other or does not follow through. I’m not a fan of change, and so when J said he was going to come straight home, but changed his mind, I got ticked off. Or when he said we were going to spend the day together, and then he sprung the “me time” on me, I got pissed. I am learning I have to be more flexible and less rigid in my ways. I also have to respect that he needs his time. However J also needed to realize that he is living with someone else now, and compromises need to be made, and cups are for drinking out of, not bottles. LOL.

When it was all said and done we both came to the realization that we need to listen more to each other’s needs and even though we’ve had our “spats” we have only created a stronger connection and relationship, because of it. We value honesty and respecting one another. I would love to continue to talk about everything I have learned so far, but unfortunately I’m still sick, sinus infection from my cold, so I’m calling it a night, but will be posting more on our adjustment phase and some “very good highlights” including our 6 months, which was last night .

In the mean time please feel free to share your advice or comments on the adjusting to living together.

I had planned to write a nice reflective post on today, September 15, 2011, but unfortunately work has taken priority over this, so instead I’m going to write a very abbreviated version.

SEPTEMBER 15…

Everyone remembers 9-11 and how that day will forever be engrained in their memory. It’s amazing how one day can hold such significance in one’s life but for me it is not 9-11 but 9-15…

4 yrs ago, September 15, 2007-

I was at a nail salon with my girlfriends getting my nails done talking about how excited I was for the BIG day. I was enjoying a nice luncheon and giving my girls their thank you gifts. I was celebrating with my fiance, family, and friends at Tweet Balzano’s in Bristol, RI and practicing walking down the aisle. It was the day before I said “I do”.

2 yrs later, September 15, 2009

My life was turned upside down.  One minute I was making plans with John to go out on our “first date” since our temporary break the week before. The next minute I was confronting John on a phone number that had started showing up on the phone records, and putting OUR cell phone minutes way over. Then I was reading emails from this same girl and listening to him lie to my face about who she was. I was discovering he had moved on with no intentions to save our marriage.  That night I was kicking John out of the house for GOOD.

fast forward to 2 yrs later, September 2011, TODAY, and I am sitting here thinking about how 2 yrs ago today the man I was “supposed” to spend the rest of my life with left for good. TONIGHT, 2 yrs later, the man who I feel “I am” supposed to spend the rest of my life with, J, will be coming over and  staying for good.

It’s amazing how much can change in just 2 yrs. I think it is kind of eerie that these events all occurred on September 15 but in way comforting.  At one point I was preparing to say “I do”. Then two years later I was ending that chapter for good and saying in my head “I don’t”. NOW it’s two years after that and I am happier than ever, beginning a new chapter in my life. After tonight I will be living with J, a man I never thought I would find, and be lucky to find. A man who I will have the absolute PURE pleasure of getting to wake up next to every morning.

So everyone has their 9-11, a day they will never forget. 9-15 has been a day I can never forget, some good and some bad memories, but from this day, September 15, 2011 I can only hope that it will be marked as a very GOOD memory from now on.

It blows my mind that it was over a year ago that I wrote my first blog entry, No longer two, but one. Thinking about the journey I have traveled since that day astounds me. Where I was back then and Where I am now. I remember back to that time when I first began my blog. We had finally decided to go through with the divorce, and I sat there staring at a wedding invitation from my best friend, pondering what my life would be like now that I was no longer  checking off TWO, but ONE. I was SINGLE and SCARED. I was on my own and going back to making decisions just for ME.

It’s interesting to think about all the things in our life that are impacted when what once was TWO becomes just ONE. Grocery shopping trips were based on what I wanted for dinner, no more compromise on what tv show or movie to watch. Bills were MY  responsibility.  It was just ME. My journey as ONE had begun and it was quite the adjustment, but an adjustment I was looking forward to making for the very first time.

So this year as August faded into September I thought back to that time, when my  journey as ONE becoming TWO first began. It was Sept 13, 2006 when I decided to say yes, and commit the rest of my life with John, a few weeks later we merged our belongings officially and moved into OUR first place TOGETHER, then a little less than a year later, September 16, 2007 I said I DO, and thought I was committing to a lifetime of TOGETHERNESS. Ironically 2 years later, almost to the date, September 15, 2009  I made the decision to become ONE again. It was made official almost a yr later, September 8, 2010, when I said “I don’t” and my journey as ONE was well underway.

Last week while standing in Lowes looking at paint samples I looked over at J and realized WOW, my journey as ONE is coming to a close, and soon it will be TWO again. It was not just my decision on the color, but OURS. Filling out the RSVP card for my friend’s upcoming wedding, I was once again checking off TWO, not ONE. Planning out meals and creating a shopping list was not just for ONE but now TWO. Deciding what television show to watch would soon be compromise.

As J and I merge our TWO lives together, we are becoming ONE, but still with TWO separate personalities and TWO separate minds. What he does affects me and vice versa. This really became apparent the other day when I became upset because he was not thinking about TWO, but only ONE (himself). I know there will be times when our TWO separate ways of doing things may conflict, but it’s not just about what I or HE thinks all the time, but what WE think. As mentioned before in my last post, there will be a lot of ALONE time or ME time, but there will also be also be a lot of TOGETHERNESS.I am excited as my journey as ONE person comes to a close, and becomes TWO. I look forward to the compromises, checking off TWO on the RSVP card, picking out groceries for TWO, deciding on what color to paint OUR bedroom, etc. We are TWO people very much in love merging our TWO very different lives into ONE. I couldn’t be any happier.

“In love, ONE and ONE are ONE”~ Jean-Paul Sartre

I do  have to admit that I enjoyed the luxurious life of being on a cruise ship for 7 days and the beautiful waters of Bermuda, but was happy to return home to my “normal” life. Being on the cruise I realized that I did not like to be “alone”.

It was exactly 2 years today that I first faced this fear. The day I decided to separate from my now ex husband. I remember it like it was yesterday. Tears would flow down my face as I drove down 295 knowing I was coming home to an empty house. I was going to have to learn to be on my own for the first time, and IT SCARED ME.

However Fast forward to a year later and somehow I did survive. It was September of 2010, and I  did enjoy being on my own, doing things that I had never done before, and survived being on my own. I had a boyfriend, CFG, but many nights he was at home, doing his own thing. I was insanely busy with working, and had little time to reflect on the fact that I was still coming home to an empty house, but at the same time it felt good. I was learning to be an independent woman and quite enjoying it. When CFG would spend more than one night I would sometimes miss my “alone” time.

So why, almost a year later, August of 2011, did I feel so alone again on the cruise ship, especially since I knew J was back at home waiting for my return and I had my parents and family with me on the ship, not to mention the other 2,500 passengers. I thought a lot about it, and I think it was knowing that I did have these things, especially J at home, that I missed it.  I had learned to be on my own, but when I had the opportunity to be with others, I WANTED that. Sure I could go to the gym by myself or walk down to the pool and enjoy it, but the thought of being “left alone” is what kept sinking in. When my parents left me to “fend for myself” and did their own thing and my cousin chose to hang out with her mom, I felt like I was back in September of 2009, fearing the idea of coming home to make dinner for just myself and spending the night on the couch infront of the tv.

The ironic thing is I am an only child and for years I had to play by myself. Even though I had quite the creative imagination, I remember that I always wanted a sister or brother to play with. Lucky for me, I had a wonderful best friend, who was practically my sister, and my parents even brought her on vacations with us. However there were many times I was ALONE, wishing and longing to have someone to play with.  When I was in college I lived on my own, in a single, but I still had my best friend down the hall, who would come meet me for dinner, or hang out. Though there were many times I went to the student union to get food by myself, but I didn’t feel ALONE.

There were points on the cruise where I did enjoy being on my own, but I have to admit I preferred to have my “companion” whether it was my Dad, Mom, cousin, aunt, or ALL of them. I met new people, but honestly I was longing to be home with my familiar surroundings, and most importantly  my companion.  I wanted someone to share these special times with him BUT  he was thousands and thousands of miles away.

So here I sit, thinking about how it was exactly 2 years ago, that I made the decision to continue my life WITHOUT my companion, my husband, even thought the thought of being “ALONE” left me in a state of absolute panic and fear. I decided that I was letting this fear of being ALONE, cloud my reality. I COULD survive and WOULD survive, and in all reality my companion had walked out that door a long time ago. I was already on my own, but I just had to realize it. I had to learn to embrace my independence and I DID.

In all honestly it really comes to the fact that NOW I CAN do things by myself, which may have been a struggle before, but I ENJOY when I can do it with others the most. In my relationship with J we do spend a lot of time together but we also have our “alone time” in which we do our things. He is a much more “ME TIME” kind of guy, while I still am embracing it.

So as J and I approach a HUGE turning point in our relationship, our decision to merge much of our “me time” into “us time” and live together,  I realize that once dreaded “alone time” is going to be KEY in having a healthy relationship. It is going to be a balance between having our time together but also giving each other space for “ME TIME”.  I no longer fear “alone time”.  It may have taken a divorce to help me see that  I know I CAN be on my own and SURVIVE, but it was well worth the journey.

This past week has been very emotionally draining. I’ve been stressing over finances, teacher applications, and busy getting things ready for my trip. I am leaving Sunday for a 7 day cruise to Bermuda with my parents and cousin/aunt.  J will be staying here for a week while I’m gone to take care of my dog, Izzie, and cat, Bella. I’ve been stressing, trying to get my house in some sort of order, before he does. He says he does not care, but like I’ve said before, he’s neat and organized, and I’m NOT. So between the teacher job situation and the house I’ve been non stopped stressed out.

Don’t get me wrong I am excited about my trip and hoping it will clear my mind and leave me feeling rejuvenated, but at the same time I know I’m going to miss J like CRAZY. We are used to not seeing each other for days straight, but this will be different, because we can’t just call each other when we want, since I’ll be on a cruise ship with insane $$$$ cell phone charges.

To make matters worse I’ve been missing him a lot this week especially knowing that I would only get to see him Friday during the day and late Saturday night. He’s working Saturday and then we both have separate parties to go to Saturday night. So our time together would be pretty short and I would only get to spend 1 night together before leaving for a week.

So yesterday I was feeling really down because it was Thursday and he normally spends the night when he has Friday off. But this Thursday  he wanted to get chores done and pack his things since he would be staying at my place for a week. We still planned to spend Friday together as our last big hurrah before my bon voyage.

Last night I was sitting at my mom’s kitchen table and stressing over a teacher application’s questions, trying to sound off my ideas to her, when my cell phone rang. I was excited to see it was J. We talked for a few minutes and he told he had tried calling my house but I wasn’t home. I told him I was at my mom’s finishing up my application but heading home soon. He said he had finished up his chores and was looking forward to seeing me tomorrow. Hearing his voice made me happy but at the same time I missed him even more and wished I could see him right then.  My mom looked at me and said, “I wonder if he is at your house now? While I loved the thought of that, I told her, no way, he told me he was busy and I brushed it off. I didn’t want to get my hopes up either, so I told myself, NO WAY, but secretly wished he was.

Well, I have to admit, “mom’s are right most of the time”. I was talking to J on my way home and as I turned the corner I was looking at my driveway and sure enough there was a car in my driveway. It was J!!!!! I practically jumped into his arms and hugged him SO tight, squealing the whole time with excitement. I didn’t care if I woke the whole neighborhood up. He said he missed me like crazy and couldn’t stand being apart even one more day, so he wanted to see me. He had planned the surprise knowing it would make me very happy. It turns out that when he called me the first time he was already on his way to my house.  This is just one of the many reasons why I love J.
There have been so many times in my life I have wished for things like this, but so often are my wishes destroyed by reality. Well this time reality was better than my dreams. J had come to be with me. We had a relaxing night together and I got my wish. I got to fall asleep in my man’s arms.

Today we spent the day doing things together as planned. We had planned to spend part of the day with my dog, Izzie because it was her 4th birthday. Our plans for a park trip were foiled by crappy weather, but we still made the best of it. We took Izzie for her first “frosty paw.” Just being with him today especially at the ice cream place and seeing him with my baby girl, I knew this is a guy I want in my life for a VERY LONG time. Everything just feels so natural with J.

When saying goodbye tonight I held on extra tight and thanked him again for surprising me. He looked at me and said, “you know you’re deeply in love when you miss someone so much and don’t want to spend another day apart from them.” I feel the exact same way and hate being apart from him. I know this week, while I’m thousands of miles away from him it will be extremely hard, but also a true testament to our love for one another.

Ironically before he left we watched “Hall Pass”. J told me he would never need a hall pass. I wouldn’t either. In my past I’ve been tempted, sneaked a peak or wondered, “what if I had made a different choice.” However with J, I can honestly say it is different. I trust him 100 precent even with all of my hurt in the past.  J and I have hit some rocky points but we’ve gotten through it. He even brought this up as we were saying goodbye. He mentioned we definitely hit some turbulence but we’ve gotten past it and he thinks that we will get through anything together.

There was a line from “Hall Pass” about knowing when you want that person to be your husband/wife. Well I know I can say without a doubt I hope J will be my future husband. I know I am madly, truly, and deeply in love. It has only been a short 4 months, but like he said, “you know you’re in love when you can’t stand being apart for even more than a day.” Eventually J will be staying permanently. (We are thinking sometime in the fall). I will get to wake up and fall asleep in his arms everyday. However until that time comes we will have to spend days at a time apart, but I know we will get through it. J is quite something special, and I thank my lucky stars, to be given an opportunity to fall in love again

So I have been debating on what topic I wanted to post as my first post since my little blogging hiatus, and the topic of letting go seems to a be a current theme in my life. I was talking to J again last night, our usual late night phone conversations, leaving us both exhausted in the morning, but totally worth it, when the topic of letting go again came into my mind. I would say one of my biggest issues I deal with is fully letting go. I know I’ve posted on this same concept many times, including my post, Are They Just Flip Flops where I talked about the idea of holding into things because of the memories they had. I think I’ve always done this. Not just with relationships, but I’ve held onto things that maybe are no longer important, and it’s time to fully let go.

Friendships: I often refer to people who I don’t even talk to anymore, as my friends. Recently I had an old friend come up for a visit with her brand new baby. I was all excited to see her, but soon after she arrived I realized what we once had as teenagers was gone. We had been reunited last year when I went to her place while staying with another friend in Florida. I think that I was disillusioned by what we once had, and did not see that we really were not friends anymore. At first it seemed great, but within a few days of her being here, I was more upset than happy. I was having a rough patch with J and instead of being supportive, I think she was annoyed with me, because it put a damper on our girls night out. When I thought about how it had been before I realized that we were really just aquaintences, and that friendship was NO more. I have not spoken to her since she left, and I think reality struck me. Our friendship is no longer there, but that’s ok. I don’t have to hold onto what once was.

Borderline horder/packrat: One of my biggest downfalls I have is that I not only try to emotionally hold onto things, but also physically. I have been taking a new approach on things and realized I’ve been holding onto all of this STUFF, that I just don’t need. Not to jump the gun, but J and I have been talking about living together in the future, and when I looked around my house, I realized, “I’ve got way toooo much stuff.” I don’t want him moving into this. He is very organized and keeps things simple. I on the other hand hold onto way too much. I have never said this before on my blog, but I have ADHD, and so organization is not my strong suit. I live in organized chaos as I like to put it. However I recently made the decision to make a change. I went back on my meds in order to prepare for my MTEL (my massachusetts teacher exam). This will be another post because my life has been consumed by this ONE test. I will explain later. BUT slowly but surely my mind is becoming clearer and I can look around my house and say it’s time to let go and move on.

I was raised in a house where we tend to keep a lot and never throw things away. I was trying on clothes with my mom for our upcoming trip to Bermuda, and I noticed my dad’s pile of clothes. In it, was an old bathing suit, which my dad has had for years. The elastic band is all worn out and they’re very much out of style. I laughed and said to my mom, “why does dad hold onto these old things.” He has to let go. My mom laughed because we both know my dad keeps his old ratty t-shirts that don’t fit, or tries to wear that sweater from 1980 out to dinner. Then I thought about my own self. I too have held onto a whole bin of clothes that were from my skinnier days. I was holding onto them in hopes to fit into them. I still don’t fit into all of those clothes, but when I put them on, I thought, “What the hell am I doing?” These clothes are way too young looking. I decided it is time to purge much of my stuff. I have been going through my cyclone of a bedroom. Istopped sleeping in there when John left and moved into the guestroom, and have used it as a dumping ground for my clothes. I don’t like to admit it, but it’s BAD. So recently I’ve been going through my STUFF and saying, “who cares if it fits, it is old, and it is time to go.” It is liberating to be able to do that.

Sentimental: I am a sentimental fool…I save everything from cards from 2 Christmases ago to little stubs from a movie ticket. The ironic thing is with J I have not been saving everything. I think this comes from the fact that I had so much to put away or throw away from my past with John. I even still have my “wedding bucket” which contains everything, though I did throw out a lot of things. I could not throw away my wedding album or some of the pictures from our honeymoon. I don’t know what is holding me back from doing it, but instead I decided I would just shut them away in bucket. I think for me, as I’ve said before, it is the memories that belong to those “objects” or “stuff” that I feel I would be erasing. I think it is funny and maybe a little ironic that J, who is very organized, neat, and does not like too much stuff, has a safe in which he puts all his sentimental things. He showed it to me and he has held onto everything, including the movie ticket stub or the paper bracelet we wore at the karaoke bar. He also held onto a lot from his childhood and past that means a lot to him.

I think for me, even though I see an absolute long future with J, I am scared to do it again. I am scared that there could come a time when I have to get rid of those memories.  I regret it already! In fact I want to find the things I do have, and do what he did, put them in a safe. I don’t need a J box, as I did have to with John or the past boyfriends, but instead just one box, maybe my safe, to hold onto the most important things that I do have. Practically speaking, the safe is the safest place to keep them. It is times like these that I fear “holding on” to things for fear that I will have to “let go”.

Mom and I were going through clothes she had to get ready for our trip, and she found the dress she wore for my wedding, and asked me if it would be ok if she brought it. She has lost a bunch of weight and I know how much she loved that dress, and before I would have said, NO, because it reminded me of that day. However this time I said, YES, because I can look past that now. A small piece of me thought about my wedding day and her wearing it, when I saw her try it on, but the other part recognized the giant smile and excitement in her, because the dress fit and it fit perfectly. I knew how great of a feeling that was, because just the other day I had tried on one of my skinnier day dresses and it fit me.

So while she was trying on her dress, I put on mine. Yes, I put on my wedding dress. Not because I wanted to wear it again, but because I wanted to know, would it fit? I know I’ve lost some weight since then, but was not sure, if it was really that much. Well ladies, the dress practically fell off. If I did not have the “girls” to hold it up, it would have slid right off. It felt amazing. Plus when I had it on, I did not think about my wedding day, I just thought about how pretty it was, but also was not my style anymore. I was able to fully let go. I am going to be donating my dress to Donate My Dress or Brides Against Breast Cancer. I want my dress to go to a good cause instead of just bringing it to a thrift shop. My next step is to find out where I can donate all my wedding gift stuff, the wedding frames, etc. I cannot see just putting them in a trash. I used to think that it was ALL cursed and nobody should ever get them, but I now see, nothing is cursed, my marriage was not cursed, instead it fell apart for its own reasons, because of John and I, along with some external factors that put a strain on our relationship, but also because it was meant to be this way.

It is time for all of that “stuff” to go because this is my NEW BEGINNING and it can’t be new with that “stuff” still hanging around.